Marriage Counsel I give to young couples

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Dear Morgan and David,

As I mentioned to you in our interview, I recognize that this is a time of much counsel. You’ve heard suggestions and counsel from your bishops, parents, grandparents, friends and other family members. So rather than call you in for an hour of counseling, Here are some of my favorite bits of counsel for young couples getting married in the temple. I hope you’ll pick it up and read this sometime soon and again at some point down the road.

What a wonderful time of life this is, to go to the temple, and to marry your true love for time and all eternity. I hope that it was one of the happiest of celebrations you will ever know, and I wish you a lifetime of joy in the years ahead.

1. The long view - Remember that you and your spouse are of infinite worth. You have never seen a star, sun, or moon that lives forever. At some point they all die. But you and your spouse will live forever. You are eternal. Your family is eternal. The children that come to you now, and in the eternities are the jewels in your crowns. If you can keep the long view, and make decisions with an eternal perspective, you will find greater happiness than if you always take the short view and make decisions with a short range temporal perspective in mind. Going to the temple where this eternal relationship was formed, and going often, will be a great reminder of the eternal nature of your marriage and your lives.

2. Issue Resolution - “In essentials let there be unity, in non-essentials let there be liberty, but in all things, let there be charity.”(B.H. Roberts) There may come a time in your life, maybe in 20-30 years, or in 20-30 minutes, when you won’t agree with your spouse. That’s okay…not agreeing will happen, sometimes frequently. But what matters is not whether you agree or not, but how you treat each other during the subsequent negotiations. Are you kind? Do you respect the perspective of your spouse? Do you try to find common ground for compromise? Do you treat the other persons feelings and symbols of self-respect with dignity?

3. Avoid the appearance of evil. Friendships with others outside the marriage can be great and uplifting. But they can also be threatening and destructive to the trust in the marriage if there are suspicions of backbiting, outside romances, or unrighteousness. Make your marriage partner first….friends and other family members an obvious second. Especially avoid the destructive elements of distrust which usually occurs when you spend time with friends of the opposite sex. Make it a standard rule that you won’t be alone (lunches, car drives, visits to their home, phone conversations, or chat room dialogs) with members of the opposite sex. While the conversation may be wonderful and innocent, yet it will appear to others from the outside (which is where your spouse is) as being a step towards inappropriate intimacy. Include someone, anyone, especially your spouse, at times when you are going to enjoy your friends of the opposite sex.

4. Give 80%, 90% or even 100% - Some marriages are built on a principle of, ‘if we each give 50/50, then our marriage will be successful’. I would recommend that you give more than 50% to your marriage. If you assume that your marriage and family depends 100% on your effort, and if your spouse assumes that the marriage and family depends 100% on him/her, then you’ve got 200% working on this family – and it will be sweet. If instead you feel like, “I will give 50% to my family and spouse and keep 50% for myself” then you will find bitterness, selfishness, and pride will creep into the marriage poisoning the joy you might otherwise find.

5. Trust, Trust, Trust – The strength of the marriage is only as strong as the trust there is in it. Trust is built when one trustworthy act is followed by another and another and another. It’s like a bank account. One small deposit after another causes a mighty account to flourish. Do all you can to keep showing your spouse how much you can be trusted with the marriage and with your money, time, and cares. Then over time that account will grow into a mighty fortune of strength which will enable you and your spouse to do amazing things together.

6. Sacrifice for each other – nothing says “I love you” more than personal sacrifice for the other person. Find daily things to do which are above and beyond your normal ‘role/responsibility’ which will ease your spouse’s burdens. They will recognize it, and be grateful for the support. Sacrifice not only tells your spouse you love them, but it also tells you, in very loud words, how much you love your spouse. Now having pointed out how loudly Sacrifice speaks love, don't forget to say it to each other with kind words as well.

7. Don’t get into debt – This time of life is the time when you need the most, and have the least. Too many young couples use the precious credit they have to buy things now which they cannot afford to pay for now. While using credit may be the only way to afford to purchase things which are absolutely necessary (school education, car, home) too often couples push themselves into debt purchasing things which they don’t need (Television, home entertainment, cable TV, cell phones, nice furniture, etc.) If you consider going into debt – ask yourself if you are making a purchase to sustain your life, or your life-style. If life-style, it’s probably not worth the pain it will provide.

8. Pay a Full Tithe – Admit it, you don’t have enough money to do all the things you want to do. You never will have enough. That’s okay. This life isn’t about getting rich. It’s a school ground which prepares us to receive all the riches of the eternities. If we don’t learn to do things the way the Lord would do them then we won’t ever be prepared to receive those wonderful riches in Heaven. Nothing humbles us more, or shows our faith to our Father in Heaven, than when we pay our tithes. This act of Faith, builds the kingdom, but even more, it softens our hearts and helps us to do all that our Father asks of us…which in turn helps us receive all that the Father hath. Let Him pour out blessings from the ‘windows of Heaven’ upon your new family.

9. Bring the Gospel into your home – always. Your days should start and stop with family prayer. You should pray over your meals together. You should gather together for scripture study at some point in your day. You should have family home evening once a week to discuss gospel principles which are important for your family, and to fulfill the commandments of the Lord. Come to your church meetings every week, and fulfill church callings which come to you. These simple acts will help you as a family remember whose side you’re on, and when temptations come, you’ll remember who you have covenanted with to have an eternal family.

10. Keep a current Temple Recommend – and go back often. When you stand up from the Altar after your sealing, everything will have changed for you. Instead of being individuals, you are now one body before the Lord. There is no one and nothing more important to you than your new spouse. The temple is where your family began. Go back to your native home frequently. The Lord keeps the light shining on his temple inviting you home. Go home together often so that you can feel his love and confirming spirit that this family is His and will receive His blessings. It will strengthen your commitment to Him. It will strengthen your commitment to each other. You will have miraculous learnings.

11. Draw closer to the Savior. Invite the Lord into your marriage, and your marriage will get better and better. It's a geometric principle. Think of a triangle. You, your spouse, and the Lord are on the 3 corners. As you both seek to draw closer to the Savior, the shorter the distance between you two. In other words, no matter how far apart you and your spouse may be, if you will both draw closer to the savior, then you will draw closer together. President Kimball said that any two righteous people can make a marriage work - because as they get closer to the savior, they will get closer to each other.

12. Let go of the world. When you feel compelled to be part of the world, and all that the world is doing, you'll find yourself feeling more and more selfish. This is true whether or not you are married. And selfishness, no matter how much you indulge in it, is ultimately dissatisfying and leads to isolation. Some people spend their whole lives seeking for something else - fun, glamour, power, beauty, and riches, but because they seek it to please themselves, they end up feeling empty. If you gain these things with the intent to help others and to bless those close to you, then you will feel fulfilled and you'll build not only your family, but a community of good friends..

13. Enter marriage with your eyes wide open. Once you get married keep your eyes half shut. No one is perfect. Everyone has weaknesses. Even though when you get married you may think otherwise… but shortly after marriage, it's easy to feel like you were 'tricked' into marriage. What used to be excitement - is now hyperactivity. What once was fiscal responsibility is now 'stingy' and penny-pinching. What once was mature, is now boring. Be patient with your spouse. And never be critical. They are trying their best as are you.

14. Once you've made the commitment, make the best of it. Take your commitment and build on it to create the greatest life you can build. Don't look back with buyer's remorse and wonder what your life would have been like 'if only…'. Instead say, what can we do to make the most of what we have. If you find your marriage is in trouble, once you've committed - seek help. As long as you are not committed to making your marriage work, nothing anyone will say will change your heart. You must be humble and seek the Lord's help to change your heart. Stay close to him. Once you are ready to change, everything anyone says will make a difference.

15. Seek to be a better person and you'll be a better couple. Changing to be more Christ like is why we are here. The reason we get married is because we can be happier in a loving relationship, than alone. But relationship means - relate. It means seeking to understand. Seeking to please. It means sacrificing for the other person. As you change, you may not recognize your old self. The old self may selfishly exclaim - I don't see my friends like I used to. I don't get to do my hobbies like I used to. I don't have time of my own. I don't have money of my own. I'm not myself. It's okay to change; to not be your old, single, perhaps somewhat selfish self. With change, can come progress, as long as you change in the right directions

May you have a wonderful marriage full of commitment, love, and honor. It will make you better people, and happier.

Sincerely,



Bret Bassett
President, Salt Lake Jordan North Stake